Entering a new phase.

As kids we go through phases. As adults we also go through phases. This one was going along just fine.. I have made peace with the differing opinions around me and trust that my dr who has been my dr for almost 24 years does have my best interests at heart. So off to see the surgeon who will remove a node from my abdomens when randy removes the other stuff. I was ok. I was ok looking at the fish. I was okay waiting and  for my weight being taken, but my vitals were taken in an infusion room.  The chairs the Iv poles the whole thing ....the beautiful bald lady across from me. I want to show her a picture. The uncertain one next to her and the older lady chatting with her friend all seem familiar and I just wanted to talk but had no idea what to say. I'm sort of out of the woods but who knows for certain until the pathology is done. I don't want the surgery on dec 23. I want Xmas and Kate's bday to be fun not me recovering. Some part of me has become little again and is fearful he will convince me I need to do it then. Like I have no control over my days. It was like that for several years and I want to get to next oct cancer free, you know? To hit the five year mark. I couldn't write today until I walked In the infusion center and wondered whether I would ever have one of those poles attached to me again....  A different type of pole dance.
So yes I am blabbing. Babbling, stream of consciousness writing because we survivors are f'ing awesome...like jumping off the back of a boat In The English Channel off Omaha beach we go forward into uncertainty our heads held high, our guns at the ready and our platoon beside us. Right now I feel I am doing mop up. The three days later when It was safe to land but you still had things to do to guarantee  safety for the long haul. Here I am at the ready.