So here I sit --connected by the internet to tons of my dearest friends. We are going through things right now and I find the wisdom of the last 3 years to be something that helps them from time to time--it helps me too. One is suffering for her child, one is suffering for her dad and one is suffering for herself. It is a lousy time for the three of them but they have found our sisterhood to be strong and steady and real. There are several who have marriages ending and children leaving and really it is just real life that is rearing its head.
For the girls who find me helpful--I have found it is necessary to allow your feeling room to let go. You just have to remember to come back again to the positive person who is moving forward. We are entitled to our grief. We are entitled to be lost now and then, to be needy, to be mournful. Then we need to get up and go forward.
Lately I am still dealing with and reeling from the after affects of the last 3 years. 10-9 is creeping up as my 3 year cancerfree anniversary. I am superstitious as well as positive. I am feeling strong and healthy. Sept 25 was the day I found out and oct 9 was they day they took it away. 2009. So here we are--finally have my implants, in the last 3 years I have had
11 surgeries--double mastectomy, port in port out, 2 expander replacements, stratus placement(interior bra out of pig stratus), core needle biopsy, a lung biopsy, and a video assited thoracic surgery(5 insisions -small), final implants
6 rounds of taxotere and carboplatin,
18 rounds of herceptin,
scans with and w/o contrast --too numerous to count,
13 iv infusions of antibiotics,
2 fat graftings(cause my reconstruction got complicated),
pneumonia, valley fever,
6 eco cardio grams,
mris, again too mumerous to count,
blood tests--lost track of number
Right now it all seems so far away --but to look at it I find myself daunted by the list and I remember every one of them. The last event was an mri of my brain early this summer.
I put the list here to remind myself and others that it isn't over with the surgery or the chemo or the radiation. It isn't over and not everyone has a smooth trip from the mastectomy to the reconstruction.
But also because I still have my sorrows--I MISS when my life was safe--or I thought it was- I miss when I had my childhood safety and I miss giving childhood safety to my kids. They know--moms can get sick and moms can die and that is lousy--couldn't they have gotten to 18 before knowing that or 30 or 60?
But the freedom comes when you admit it and let it go so it doesn't eat you up inside.
My kids have their childhood and it is theirs to have. I will make it as wonderful and fulfilling as I can. But I do feel sometimes that I lost three years. I would not do it again and I wouldn't change it for it made me who I am right now and that is okay. I wish my thoughts tracked better--I can't be interrupted when I am speaking or it is gone--from chemo or ptsd not sure which. It is better as long as I exercise and eat right.
I don't want to miss anything they do --I want to be with them and Christopher and my mom and Beau and go on a trip like we did years ago before cancer.
Earlier I wrote about the survivors I met who had tremendous energy--I am getting there --I get tired less often or later in the evening instead of at dinner time.
Allow yourself your feelings--you are entitled and then as the song says, Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.