first off --I am not having surgery on July 12--my lungs are just not ready. So here are some thoughts.
I am in Montana listening to many brilliant people speak on their lives--it really does make you think What would you say? If you had to tell people the lessons you have learned which ones would you choose? If you had to pick three words to describe yourself what would they be? Now? ten years ago? at 13?
I feel less than—my own courage has been shot down---I feel confident in amongst my friends. I feel confident when asked to speak on my journey. When going to a party or a meeting where some may know about the last two years or not—my courage is shot. I wonder do I say anything or not? I wonder who knows and who doesn’t. I wonder if they can tell I am not as sparky with my thoughts as I once was. I hate the feeling of searching for words or fighting to keep my attention on what is being said . I have to actively think about staying focused. When people say what are you working on or what do you do I wonder---do I answer? Do I say I am working on a book based on my blog and my experience. But then if I do we get into the whole cancer thing! It is a part of my life but not all my life you know?
I wish I didn’t feel so insecure—it is not like the me that was. I went to a baby shower---I almost couldn’t speak—it was a group of girls of which I knew only a few and the rest were all really nice. But still I found myself so frozen for quite awhile.
I know I don’t have to be that way--- I also feel angry sometimes and depressed sometimes—it might be easier if I had been reconstructed successfully. I don’t know—I am sure those women deal with their own demons. Still if I just want to be completely winey and obnoxious I would say I am sick of being a good sport about how I look—I am sick of dressing around my chest—I am tired of pretending I don’t notice how I look—I am tired of people I love telling me they don’t notice---it is extremely kind and may even be true but what I am tired of is them having to tell me this because I need to hear it. I have hidden my deficit well today. I hate owning a fake breast- like thing to put in my bra. I hate having things that depress me when I put them on. I just want what I was promised. I want a rebuilt chest and I am tired of being a good sport and I need to continue to be one…At least for a little while longer. We don’t know when I will have this surgery. I may get to have an expander put in in July to replace the deflated one.
So all I can say is I am still in the tunnel. I am not looking right or left but I am enjoying the trip –we are travelling this summer and having a good time but I am unbelievably frustrated by my limitations to have this surgery. What is wrong with my lung reparations? Why won’t they just heal? I guess chemo really hit everything so very hard.
The memory thing is frustration in spades. I can’t remember things from day to day or from room to room or where I packed something---I think I have to pack Sarah and myself exactly the same way so I can find everything without making