one friend said to me last night---it is because you are just on information overload...I looked at her husband who is a infectious disease doctor with the CDC and said maybe you are right. AT no point in your life are you asked to do 4 years of medical school plus residency plus specialization in oncology and cancer surgery and plastic surgery and make decisions regarding the rest of your life.. where the decisions determine if there is a rest of your life and also decisions regarding how you will look for the rest of your life except when you hear those words, "you have cancer." And to top it all off you need to make those decisions NOW!
I have forgotten--to buy bread, to go to the market, to bring the list, to bring the bags. Those are not so bad but I also forget that I have eaten and unfortunately for me this means I occasionally eat a meal twice in the space of two hours or so----I forget if I have had snacks too. This happened today by the way---No way I will lose weight unless I can REMEMBER eating!
I have not forgotten to pick up my kids but I have forgotten if I have given them vitamins---was never good at remembering that anyway.
Thanksgiving brings to mind all I am thankful for...yesterday I had a devil of a time getting dressed for dinner---I just didn't want to wear what I wore last year---and I still fit last year's clothes so that was a bit tricky. Last year this was day 7 past chemo 1. wow what I didn't know then about all this ---what I didn't know then about me!
Last Tuesday when I had my final herceptin I saw my main oncology nurse---this is the woman who helped every time I had a question as opposed to the oncology nurses who give me the chemo meds. Anyway, she said she was worried about me the first time...thought she was going to have a panicky woman on her hands. My oncologist had more immediate faith in me...Angela --my nurse --said I made her proud --that I had risen to the occasion so to speak. I am glad. I saw a woman at my final treatment who thanked me for helping her when she came in for her first treatment. She said I had been through so much and had such a great attitude that it made her feel she could do anything. And the fact that my kids were young impressed her as well. She has children who are teens so she knows what it is to be a mom with cancer and a mom with young kids but not at the same time. I was glad I helped her---it made my day to hear that.
I remember my chemo 1 vividly--I was in a back corner across from the bathroom and my chair was a bit grouchy about leaning back--then they gave me the benedryl in the drip and that was nice enough to take the edge off my nerves. I sat there with mom and Christopher wondering when I would feel lousy and I didn't. I held my ice packs and I ate lunch--that night we went to mom's house and My god sister and god mother came over and brought dinner. A week later it was thanksgiving and I felt so thank full--
I am still thankful but ending that treatment part of my life is weird--every 21 days I was in the office getting meds--now I will be there every two months to see my doctor and have blood drawn. I will not ever worry about the blood draws because if there is a reason to worry that will be time enough.
People I am thankful for:
Every person who has held my hand along the way--every friend and relative and acquaintance who prayed for me, every person who said I had it too---every friend who made sure I felt safe and loved and needed...most of all my family--my kids and my husband and my brother and mother---Mom has always been amazing--Dinner last night was better than it has ever been---certainly tasted better this year---no mouth issues! Thank you to each and every one of you who has read this blog and thank you to God for watching out for me and my family.