I have wanted to throw everything and everyone across the room. I am a mom so I get no time off. Not really. Nor do I really want it but there are days when no one is paying any attention to me. Sounds selfish but I also mean I am not even paying attention to me. Every once in a while I want to disconnect everything and just be alone. I would like everyone else to just stop--a freeze frame so I don't miss anything but I get to move around, take a nap do yoga, pray and then just go back to life with everyone else. I think I need to take the break I wanted to take---back when I started chemo I thought I would take a weekend by myself--but I don't want to miss anything!!! So maybe I would want to take a day---that is more doable but I still think I need a whole day. one 24 hour period to relax release write and let go. How do I do that when I want to be around for all of it. See there is the rub---I came as close as I ever want to to not being around and now all I want is to be around. Thinking about how your family would do without you is huge then I realized that they would be fine it would be me that would have the problem.
I don't think a yoga class would do it...I think I want to go to canyon ranch or someplace like that...would they let me? Would I hate it? Would I come back refreshed or resentful?
Too much for me to consider right now...I will take a day and drive to Santa barbara and take a hotel room with a view and just look out at the world with new eyes---that sounds good. sitting here I just see all I need to do.
This morning I organized my jewelry making stuff---2 hours labeling and organizing...That felt good now it is off to buy pumpkins...