You are making an example of yourself(sometimes this is a warning sometimes a praise)--I guess I am an example--all I know is that there is a certain amount of amnesia about the last few months.
Maybe I don't want to examine it too closely too. I can hardly remember anyone from my Pitzer college days--or maybe it is that I only remember the ones who made an impact on me. I look through the list of folks on facebook for my college class--the ones I remember for the most part aren't there. And who are the ones who are there--well who are they? I remember just a couple. Weird when I have this amazing memory for other times in my life--actually for most of my life.
I wonder now if the extreme emotional upheaval I had in my days at Pitzer have anything to do with my memory? Maybe. My days there were fraught with tragedy. Something my life had not been before.
I went off to college on AUgust 28th 1982. On Oct 30 1982 a dear friend was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. She was 22. The year that followed was fairly typical for me---schoolwork, auditions, plays, was in a band for the first time. BUt along with those classic acts was also the deaths of 10 more people in the space of about 18 months. Most of these were elderly but three--the 22 girl, a classmate from high school who fell off a cliff and the last one, a friend at school who killed himself were all young. I was also dumped for the first time--I had ended all my previous dating relationships until that one--yikes. So when I look back at my college years I was in a state of flux where most of my ideas about life changed abruptly. I found young people could die tragically. A rude awakening for most kids. I also learned never ever to let anyone affect my life in a positive way that I did not remark on it. I started making sure that people who were kind, who made me laugh, who opened my world knew it.
Paul was the one who taught me that. He was the boy who committed suicide Nov of my sophomore year. He had been such a good friend, the shoulder I cried on when I had a broken heart, the one I laughed with until late at night, the one who inspired me to climb through windows instead of walking through doors---Pitzer had a lot of ground floor windows! He was funny kind smart and manic. The energy around him was palpable. It shimmered around him and when we met he was doing well but by the time 8 months had gone by he was sick of feeling the way he did and felt no need to rise out of it. His death was something I worked over for years--I think he had been gone 6 years before I finally understood and put it behind me. Probably in my need to move on and forget the pain I left many of the smaller experiences of those days behind me.
Don't know why this comes up now except that I don't think this experience will be the same. I can only find the good in my life. I can only find the good in my life in regards to cancer. I want to help but while your life is full of defining moments this is not my only one.
I don't want to ...I kind of think I am like my dad---he fought in WWII but it was not his only defining moment as it was for so many others. This is but one of mine. The defining moments in my life are not always negative ones--cancer, deaths of friends and family...there are so many others--marrying Christopher, giving birth, graduating from high school, working as an actress in plays I loved and teaching. Now it is teaching...
my 6th graders and others about writing and lit and survival and humor and moving forward.
I want to move forward.
I am sick of looking in the mirror and seeing my lack of hair and my odd breasts---can't wait for the surgery which will help...never thought I would be so vain. most of the time I just move on but some days I just want my hair back.
Today i am doing good--yesterday I missed my hair. I think because I am done with the hardest part I just want all the rest to be handled.
Ah well-next saturday we walk and put it behind us!