the necklace

This morningI was laying in bed wishing I had a church to go to ---what I mean by that is that The Religious Science church near me seems to have this direction about money...I am not sure if it is still that way but it seems to be. Remember the book The Secret that came out a few years back---it wasn't a science of mind book but it was based on similar ideas in a very simple way--visualize what you want and it will appear. But that too is about self aquisition.( is that a word?) It is not about spiritual growth so much.

I wish for a church where we don't discuss money. Where the idea is to be at peace with what you have. Now that is not to say there is no prayer thought about improving your life. I am all for improving your life and if that means a better job or a job so there is security I am all for that. WHat I mean is that we should be looking to have peace have a better life and whatever that means. It isn't always about money. I sit here blessed. I have enough money, I have a house and food and clothes. BUt I want my church and my prayers to be about getting closer to God, about being open to him and to allow that faith to guide me--to a closer understanding, to myself, to my family , to life...that peace that will occur then will allow me to make a better be a better mother and wife.

When I was first diagnosed I went to a store I love and found a necklace--there was quote that said--this is a paraphrase as the writing is very very tiny---
"If you find out the truth about yourself and discover your own source, this is all that is required." Ramana Maharshi

I have worn it often since then realizing that through all this all I have really discovered is the truth about myself and my own source. Sure I know more than I ever wanted to about cancer, breasts, oncology, cancer surgery, reconstructive surgery mris cat scans pet scans ecocardiograms,mammograms ultrasounds, fine needle biopsies, core needle biopsies,side effects of chemo, how I look bald, how I feel about government decisions about mammograms(even though mine didn't show anything they are still important.

BUt the upshot of all this is I have more faith than ever before. I have daily moments with God that put a smile on my face. I am more peaceful as a mom. I know what to do about really really really BIG fear. I give it to God and I ask for help. Every step my faith and my god has been with me. He led me on a path that includes such talented caring brilliant people who all want to help me to live for a really long time. And I am good in a crisis--I kind of knew that growing up with earthquakes and fires and family who has gone through their own crisis' BUt I am glad I didn't melt when it came to myself.

I refuse to live in fear. I will not live in fear.