S got sick then I got sick then K got sick...along with teaching, rain and trying to make a hat. S is well, I am on antibiotics and K is mending. I taught today over skype. It is raining again and I am still working on the hat. I have an ear infection--haven't had one since college and maybe never before that!
My oncology nurse, who is extraordinary, has asked me to be available to a mom who is starting TCH chemo on friday. I hope she calls as it is helpful to me to help others. It is amazing how much it helps to keep my attitude in line. Last night I spent some time feeling very sorry for myself and worrying about my kids and what is just a normal winter experience--all the girls get sick at the same time! Maybe this will be the last winter for that.
So all of you who think I am so brave--I do have my moments--I have the moment of why me? of I am too tired to do this...of I want to be done with the chemo...of What will the next surgery be like. All of it goes through my head. But the important thing is that it goes through my head and doesn't stay there anytime at all.
Allow accept grieve and move on---I will not push my feelings down. I will allow accept grieve and move on. I have too many things to do to wallow, but I think it is important to allow a few moments of it.
Yesterday I was remembering meeting CP and how magical it all was. How young and excited and ready for the future I was and I am different now--but I am still excited and ready for the future---ready for today ready for the here and now.
Next Tuesday is my next chemo and I could think "oh no one more time to do this" the truth is, however, that it is the first time I will have done my 5th chemo. I have never done that before and certain aspects have improved since the first one. I am better using the meds, I am not scared anymore, I know I will be bone tired but I don't hurt as much from the newlasta as I did the first and second time. So things are better. And then there will be only one left.
After that everything will change---I will still have an iv drug every 21 days for the rest of the year but think I will drive myself and go home afterwards. I will plan my next surgery and start tamoxifin.
Thanks for staying with me!