after the 29th of sept



This was written around Oct 2, 2009 probably as a journal entry---I go through bouts of –this can’t be true—just total amazment. Then sorrow  then  why me=---really I am clean sober eat organic don’t smoke—so really why me. I am overwhelmed by the choices I must make. 

All in the next couple of months—reconstruction, non reconstruction, recon with my body fat or saline or silacone or just be what it is???nipple or no nipple---go with out a bra and feel fine, tummy tuck as a side effect? I want to never have it come back—do I have th gene? The ovary gene the breast gene? Or am I just one in seven?
 just want to grab the girls and hold them to me –this day is olovely—I have my health I have my kids and my husband.




I told older daughter--she had some inkling as she heard me on the phone with mom---she asked if i was having surgery---we spent about two hours  talking--an hour of walking the neighborhood and talking and running into neighbors with whom we discussed other things entirely. It is important that she see this is not the whole thing. not my whole life...she thinks it is entirely weird that her mom--the organic no chemical mom will be getting a boob job. I told the principal at the girl's school and she is a survivor of dcis too--she had a lumpectomy 12 years ago and it came back 8 years later---she is encouraging me to just go with my doctor's decision to have a mastectomy. I think it is the right course for my mind and body. I wish I hadn't had to tell my daughter because I wish it wasn't true...
So today I see the reconstructive guy...Me---breast implants--I am a 32 DDD Honestly going down a cup would be great---I have that gapping buttons on my shirt thing so being a bit smaller would be great.
I have now met three women who have discussed implants two survivors and one just augmentation---all are offering me "feels" and allowed me to look. This whole thing is so very weird. I feel it is surreal---I feel fine--other than my cold which is getting better fast. 
My mom said--don't tell anyone--dont tell the girls--older daughter,K, And I spoke about surgery in general and said"you aren't having surgery are you? and I said yes I am --they found a lump and then she looked me in the eye and said''do you have breast cancer" and I said yes.

My friend T and her daughter R came back into our lives this year--she has had cancer several times and carries the gene--so breast twice and ovaries removed too. She is my breast mentor right now and is strong and positive and amazing...she told r after I told k and they got on the phone(already good friends) and within a few minutes were laughing about girl things and school--R told her I would get better and well and she believes her. 
I told K it was up to her who she told and that she should feel free to tell whomever she thought would support her. She thinks I should wait to tell S,younger daugher, and I will wait until I know when things are happening I think..we'll see. She also DOES NOT want people pittying her or me or us. So I won't tell her teacher yet. I will have to because I think it is important. She asked me several times if I would die and to not die--I told her cancer doctors don't like to give odds and they certainly never use cured and 100% in  the same breath. so the fact that they were is great.

When my dad was sick I was sworn to secrecy. I didn't tell a soul and it was really really hard. I don't want that for my girls. Or C, my husband,--I want them to ask questions and lean on whomever they choose. It is important they have what they need.

It has been 7 days since I found out.
I want to have the best breasts I can for the rest of my life--I like being beautiful--I want to continue--there is this tummy tuck option but the few people I know who have used belly fat to remake have turned around and done implants later...darn--that was the only plastic surgery I was thinking about EVER! oh well---
I want to have a party before the surgery and have the family and friends around that I trust so the girls can see everyone with  the same it is no big deal attitude. I am so early with this..I don't want to wait too long though because now I know.